It has been thirteen years. There is so much I didn’t get to have you for and so much more coming up. It makes me angry that because you are gone all the simple, normal things I need to go through will be shadowed in regret.
I also can’t help thinking that sometimes I’m glad your are gone. Like, I have your temper and attitude so who even knows if we would be close or just fighting all the time. I want to think I would know when to hold my tongue but who are we kidding. If you were here, my whole life experience would be different. Dad let me get away with a lot of stuff in high school, not that I abused that but I definitely think you would have kept me on a tighter leash. You would have always pushed me to do my best, whereas I let myself get into big trouble for being lazy.
I can’t say that I miss you because I didn’t really know you. I don’t know what you would have thought about a lot of things. I can’t guess what types of advice you would have had for me over the years or how you would have sheltered me. You are probably upset about some of the choices I’ve made and if you could talk to me, I probably wouldn’t like it.
But I still wish you were here, that my life was normal. That didn’t have to think about how I’m going to manage doing all these things without you by my side.
I love you.
I don’t know who I want to address this to exactly. Mom, Lynn, everyone? Wherever.
I still don’t know about my mission and I an really nervous and I have to pee so badly right now oh my gosh.
My call didn’t come in the mail today. I am disappointed. I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow.
I have a headache and I want cry for no good reason.
This is a stupid letter.
I know that Esther and Hazel are different. Hazel is fictional, loves ANTM, etc. But as someone who knew Esther, it is really hard for me to distinguish them sometimes. Like right now, my memories of Esther are changing because of a deeper insight and more reflection that I can get with Hazel. I didn’t realize Esther’s health was declining, that it was so bad. When I first read TFIOS, I didn’t pick up on the clues about Hazel’s deteriorating condition. Like with Esther, I just brushed it off and explained it away without taking a closer look or you know actually thinking. That’s kind of more insightful about me than about them.
I miss her. I miss the joy that was in catitude that’s been gone for the last two years. My friends are so sad and they hide it well but it doesn’t change the fact that they still hurt daily because Esther isn’t here. There is nothing I can do!
Thank you for your beautiful books and for making me think about how much I love my friends when I should be asleep. Thank you for everything.
I mean, Geri
Today I played winterbells and other games on that site. It made me think of you.
I miss you baby.
I’m almost 23 years old. I’ve never been on a real date. I was reading a survey that Destiny took because i asked her to. one of the questions was “do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?” my answer was yes. later there was a question “do you think you will be in a relationship soon?” and my answer was “forever alone” so yeah. PARADOX!
I am so done with stupid boys. I have never been in a position to be picky about the kind of positive attention (aka non-pervy) I get from guys because I never get good attention so any should be welcome. but I don’t want to waste my time. I have never been interested in hang out, even when I was in middle school, I wanted a boyfriend. I still want to go on dates, but I don’t want to just hang out without knowing that things have a chance to progress.
I hope I’m going to meet you soon. I’m going to go on a mission next year sometime but I want to at least know you.
Looking forward to all the things.
I love you
Wow, it seems like I am writing to you a lot more now that my very special private letters to you are in the public domain.
Mom, I’m afraid that I’m going to get into a relationship with a boy who isn’t right for me but stay with him because I’m afraid of not being able to find someone who will be better for me.
I’m not saying I will remain in abusive relationships. I don’t know what I’m saying.
This fear, and knowing that I have it, is also making it hard for me to even get started with boys. Self protection you know.
I don’t know where I was going with this. It was just something I wanted to share.
I love you. I miss you. Although I do miss you less when I talk to you so often.
Dear Mom and Lynn,
I GOT A JOB TODAY!!! At Walgreens. I will start as soon as all the things are done (drug and background checks, tax papers, etc). I’m really excited about this. it means money and saving and everything.
I have some plans for my money too. Not meaning I’m going to spend it all every week. I mean I want to make a real budget and save some money. I want to save for a car and a new computer and an apartment. And of course a mission. So i guess that means mostly just a car and a new computer and a mission. But really mostly mostly just a car and a mission. I am going to pay my tithing and put money in savings.
I am really happy today. I love you guys. I hope you are well. Thank you for watching over me and helping me get this job. Thank you for always making sure I’m ok. Talk to you soon.
Your birthday was yesterday. I thought about you a lot. I miss you girl friend. You got some sweet messages from our friends on facebook.
Anyway, I had a dream about you last night.
In it you hadn’t died after your surgrey but something had gone very wrong and you were in a wheelchair now and you couldn’t move your arms or legs. We were in church and I was taking you to a fireside or something in the chapel right after Relief Society. I had to push your chair around.
But when we got into the meeting you didn’t want to sit in your chair so you sat on my lap. We hugged and we kissed. And I got to see your sweet beautiful smile.
It just reminded me that you are still my sister no matter what. That you love me. That you are watching out for me. Thank you so much sissy.
Love you forever,
PS. I think I want to name my first baby girl RonaLynn after mom and you. What do you think about that? I am no where near getting married and having a baby but I just thought you should know.
Remember after you had your surgery, you stayed in bad a lot because well you couldn’t walk? I was sitting in mission prep class yesterday, and I remembered.
I would come in your room at night and you would read to me or we would just talk. I was only ten so I can’t remember everything we talked about. One night I found your old missionary handbook and you started teaching me the lessons.
I honestly can’t remember anything about the lessons but I won’t forget we did this together.
For the past few months I’ve been thinking that I need to find out if I need to go on a mission. I’ve been afraid that the Lord would tell me to go so I haven’t actively prayed for an answer. Its like that was already the first clue that yes he wants me to serve.
But yesterday in class, I got a strong feeling that I need to go on a mission. AHHHHHH!
Then before I went to sleep, I said a prayer and the message I got was basically to take all the proper steps. So the next thing I need to do is fast and pray about the decision. Then if the answer is still yes, I’m going to have a meeting with my bishop.
I’m scared about this whole thing. I want to do whatever the Lord wants me to do. If he wants me to go on a mission I will. If he spends the next year telling me to serve a mission, then brings a guy into my life and tells me to marry him and not go on a mission, then Lord have mercy, I will do it.
I’ve never been committed to the idea of serving a full time mission. I’ve always thought that I would find a guy and get married. And luck would have it that in almost 23 years I have never had a boyfriend or been asked out on a real date. What the heck! And now I’m in a singles ward that I really like and I seem to have more confidence around the guys and they are sort of responsive to it or something. And the Lord is telling me to get ready for a mission now?
I will go, I will do whatever the heck it is the Lord commands, like Nephi did in in the Book of Mormon. I’m going to keep praying and paying close attention to the Spirit. I’m going to follow the promptings and do what He wants me to do.
As always, stay with me. I love you.
your birthday is this this week. You’d be turning 25, which is a huge deal! I’m sad that we couldn’t celebrate this day together.
I miss you so much.
Today I decided I’m going to serve a mission for the church. That’s exciting. I’m also very scared about this. But I know you are really happy for me and excited as well.
Lynn, I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better sister to you. I’m sorry that I never wanted to talk to you. I wish I could go back and be there for you more. I hardly supported you. I feel so bad for the way I used to treat you some times. I’m sorry.
I hope you and mom are having fun. Happy Birthday <3